Have you ever had on of “those” meeting with your boss? I had one a few weeks ago. It made me almost quit. It started out with the pretense of us “clearing the air” due to some tension that we were having on the job, but at the end of the day the real intention was to talk at me instead of with me. Thank goodness I have done enough internal work and still spoke my mind. However, it still ended up with me feeling shamed, angry, and hurt. The only thing that did not stop me from leaving my position was my loyalty to the company, my colleagues, and the hope that as I improved on my weaknesses then she would respond.
It is said that over 60% of employees leave their work everyday due to issues with their boss. The issue over inadequate leadership is growing everyday. When we are not aware of the reality of this situation, we can have a tendency to internalize meetings such as this and use them to devalue ourselves or start thinking “Maybe it is me?”
Not to say that self reflection is not healthy, but there is a fine line between reflection and the shame monster. Authority can trigger many things inside of us that can reflect back to our childhood or other negative experiences, especially as women. To complicate the matter, when men are our superiors it brings up more insecurity or defensiveness as the role of gender comes into play. Especially when men are seen as naturally “assertive” and women as “aggressive” when they stand up for themselves or speak their mind.
In this case my boss is a woman, and I believe she is a woman who has an issue with other strong women who are not afraid to speak their mind. In response to me speaking my mind she reduced my hours and caused me to almost put in my two weeks in response to her tactics.
So how did I deal with this situation? First it was important for me to show myself compassion. I needed to not internalize or even think about her feedback until I had a stable ground with myself. So I gave myself credit for even stepping into the office and keeping composure (I steered clear of her during the day however, just in case I snapped, lol). After which I allowed myself to feel all that I was feeling on that ride home that day to start to process. I then looked at her feedback logically and honestly and OBJECTIVELY. What did she say that was true that I could use to become a better person and employee? Every one of those moments can make you better.
However, when that self reflection was done I evaluated her possible motives but also saw that a lot of what she accused me of she was also capable of. It was important for me to stand my ground and understand that everyone enters conversations with our own baggage that we need not take on ourselves. Overall, she had been dealing with her own stress in her position, may have been threatened by my advanced degree, and it seemed like many of the statements were loaded. Being a communication major I had to “cloud” her loaded comments (those riddled with absolutes such as “always” and “never” which I know were untrue) and then take what piece was there that I could use to improve or dispute.
Once I could get through this process I could begin to show HER some compassion and trust that with honesty and integrity on my behalf the situation would resolve itself or I could take further action. Later I had to (yes I went to HER boss), but only after I made sure to hold up my end and take responsibility to give the situation a chance to improve. It is since being handled.
So I think that while each of these situations can be difficult and challenging, it can give us room to improve ourselves, speak up for ourselves, and even reevaluate what we want to do and where we want to be. It also helps us understand the types of people we can work for and the type of work environment we need. Also, look at the bigger picture– by me evaluating the situation, addressing my concern, and using my voice, I not only gave my boss a chance to become better (whether she took it or not) but also gave other employees the courage to air their concerns.
So take on your part, but do not allow anyone to speak down to you. Take responsibility but let go of shame. And above all that, in the words of the great Marianne Williamson, “When you let your own light to shine, you allow others to do the same.”