I had a day where my behavior was far less than perfect. Okay- it was outright disgraceful. It was one of those days where I woke up with what I call “an emotional hangover.” You know you went to far in some way but it is far too late to take it back. You may experience physical symptoms, or maybe just that mind racing trying to replay over and over again what happened– hoping that if you imagine it enough it could change. No matter your symptoms, there is one thing you know for sure: Your “Evil Twin” jumped right out and now you have to find a way to deal with her behavior.
Well here is the good news: We all have one. Yup. You are not alone or forced to live in your closet, chained to the floor, only to be let out when it is dark enough not to be seen. So if you have had the “Evil Twin” experience (which most of us have), then this article is for you.
Who Is Our “Evil Twin”?
She is that side of us that seems to be our polar opposite. She says and does the things that we would never do. Sometimes good, sometimes muy malo (yes- VERY BAD). While she herself is not poisonous she sometimes can engage in poisonous behavior that triggers us in shame, embarrassment, and anxiety.
What creates these blow ups or “outbursts” can be anything from not using our voice for long periods of time, to high stress situations, or just not taking time to center ourselves. This leaves unhealthy thoughts and feelings left unprocessed until one day BOOM! There she is in all of her glory: Cussing out the boss, going off on the partner, freaking out on the kids, sending that email, having a little too much wine (that then creates a gateway for the aforementioned behavior), etc.
The origins of the “Evil Twin” vary and are complex. For some of us she may be intense, a piece of us created as a child from traumatic events. For others she may just seem to arrive when the environment creates the right climate for her appearance. She may be attached to longstanding or sudden insecurity and shame. Most times she appears it is usually when there is enough turmoil internally that external circumstances trigger her arrival– and then if we do not have a careful eye on her, she arrives in all of her dysfunctional glory.
So What To Do?
The first thing we need to do when this happens is to process our emotions but then detach from the event. One way to do this is to understand that everyone at some time has had moments of slight (or major) insanity. When we start to catastrophize the event then we start to create a dark space where we can see no hope, leaving our evil twin to make another celebrity appearance when we beat ourselves up.
The other thing is to start to reshape how we see her: Is she really “Evil” or actually showing us areas that we have neglected or need to transform? Honestly, did she blow up on her boss or her partner because it was months of your voice not being heard? Did she freak out on family members or kids because it was months of you not taking time out for yourself? Did she act up somewhere because you had stopped having fun and she had to act out? When we begin to understand her and take time for ourselves we can see she is not an “Evil Twin” but an ally.
Also, it is important to see her with compassion. You have to understand that whatever she has been through created this moment, and that our neglect of ourselves is what called her out. We need to use our heart instead of judgement, especially as that extinguishes the fear, insecurity, anxiety, and shame. If we take time to understand that part of ourselves, then we will slowly no longer need the “Ok” from others. Being kind to, and forgiving ourselves, is a hard but necessary task in moving forward. Then take a mental note to take time out for yourself enough to catch her creeping in the future.
Finally, have a good laugh. Ok Ok. Yes I know that there are some situations that do not call for a laugh, especially those that cause harm to our self and others, but where you can have a good old fashioned, head tossed back, belly laugh. Trust me, I have had some pretty horrendous situations and once I got through the initial shock of them, I could not help but be amused. Instead of seeing your Evil Twin as the star of some Lifetime channel tragedy, see her as that quirky main character in your favorite sitcom: you know the one that is totally off but who we are in love with because she represents a piece of us.
So the next time she pops her little head out, instead of devastation let’s explore her and welcome her. Find out her favorite tea and sit her down. I’m sure she will not only thank you- but grow to become your very best friend.